My knees ached from the squid-like position I held in the back seat of the cramped sports car. The passenger however, needed more of the extra legroom than I did. Exit 162 passes by the corner of my eye. As we draw near the city, doses of adrenaline migrates to my stomach; the tingling sensation scratching my gastric muscles. The sensation grows more immense. The weather prediction for the weekend was anxiety with highly anticipated cortisol showers. As we approached the quaint cottage house, the adrenaline surged through my bloodstream; I can’t even right now.
From the first handshake I initiated at the retreat house, I heard the regions represented: Mid-Atlantic, New England, Southwest, Midwest and even Eastern Canada. What they all have in common: established, powerful and successful UVSAs and regions, ranked. And then there was the Northwest. How could my region compare to theirs? What do I have that can compare to theirs? Can I really lead the Northwest to success? Do I deserve to even be CoRR?
I was fortunate and privileged to be invited to attend the Conference Retreat despite not being on Staff for UNAVSA 12. Myself and few other CoRRs were there to represent their regions as well. I peered down into my tense lap and saw on the agenda that the first session was going to start: UNAVSA 101. I glanced around the room before My-Phuong began to speak and my throat locked in anxiety. Even after she began to speak, my head raced with thoughts, the anxiety and pressure exponentially increased, my ears fiery hot.
“Now, break off into your committees and discuss about some of your goals and visions. For CoRR, break off and discuss about your Regional progress,” My-Phuong ended.
The imaginary peach pit came back and placed itself in the back of my throat. Someone began the conversation. They unleashed the pandora box of questions: “how does your region operate because mine has WAY too many schools under us. Some of the schools requesting money from us don’t know who we even are”… His sincere question eased the clot in my throat.
“Well I know that it was hard for us to get established as region as well it to-” …..The discussion carried on but my ears fixated on the phrase “it’s hard for us”.
“It’s hard”. It was the confirmation I needed. Every single voice and open disclosure was sincere and the topic regarding the difficulties of their region uniting. CoRR continued to speak their struggles. The pressure in my chest began to release through my lips. Discussion quickly ended and we moved back to our seats.
“Who would like to share?” My-Phuong asked. Someone initiated conversation. “Okay great. And how about you Olyvia? How do you see the future of your region and how can UNAVSA support?”
My heart dropped into my stomach, I could hear the crowd and their necks craning my direction. I searched for a warm gaze from my Co-CoRR Stefan before words escaped my mouth. This time I let my heart do the talking.
Only once in my life had a round of applause given me hope and more love as humanly as possible; this was the second time. Letting go of that self-doubt, that self loathing feeling, that condescending feeling, had freed a piece of my esteem that was damaged. I set a sky-high bar of expectations for myself to pass and even potentially break. Though not stubborn in my nature, I built a bubble of stubbornness when it came to changing the dynamic and success of my region. I thought I had to do it on my own. I believed that the weight of region rested only on my shoulders. It was my year to lead and only I could lead the region to victory. Continuing to fuel the self-doubting perceptions egged on this mentality further.
Four days pulled me away from all the crap and worries of school or work, and having the honor to be placed in this retreat saved me from my worst critic: myself. The only person standing in the way of my aspirations or goals was myself. But this collective called UNAVSA, extended their arms to me and encouraged my success through patching my esteem. For the remainder of the weekend, individuals sparked conversations and lifted doubts from my shoulders. They reassured me with knowledge, warm hugs and especially countless laughter.
Each individual I had met, each group conversation or random bursts of giggles, had reassured me that my leadership is valued by not only myself but by others. I will be continuing to grow with each success I achieve but also by each person who I touch and inspire along the way. But I cannot forget those who have touched and inspired me. Everyone is extending out their hand as a safe haven, as an extension of their strength to help guide me. The realization is that they have always held out their hand to me, yet I was too stubborn to hold theirs.
Just think about the feeling you experience when you hold a person’s hand, to someone who is close to you. You feel safe with the dopey big brother you adopted joining VSA, you feel their love and trust for you as your mentor, you feel their belief in your strength to conquer any roadblock, you feel no struggle or worry in world, your ego is set on pause; you feel invincible. And when they let go of your hand they reassure you that their hand will always be there, rain or shine, success or failure.
No tier status matters, no measure of success can be implemented, no region ranks supreme over another, no one can tell me I am leading wrong, no one can propose I am not good enough. What matters is the belief I continue to foster on myself and the belief I instill in others. Those who matter are the ones I wish to inspire and develop and those who wish to guide me. Why it matters? Well that’s up to you to figure out. From this short and jammed packed weekend of knowledge, skill development and excessive iced americanos, I know if I wish to see my region grow and flourish it, but it does not only start with me. It doesn’t even start with you. It begins with ME and yoUNAVSA.
Olyvia Chac
Northwest CoRR
